I write this with music. It’s a track I first heard from the 2010 American-Canadian science fiction action-thriller Repomen with Jude Law and Forest Whitaker.
The song is titled “Burn My Shadow”, by Unkle. From what I found out, this song wasn’t very popular when it came out. In fact, it was a flop. Yet, when I heard the song in one of the final action scenes in Repomen, I fell in love with it. That was about 5 years ago.
The song is in a playlist I titled “Recovery”. There are 20 songs in this Spotify Playlist ranging from Akotowaa’s Undeath of the Artist to 30 Seconds To Mars’s Search and Destroy. I built this playlist specifically while going through strong emotions. Especially anger.
I have never really known what to do with anger. Where I grew up, there wasn’t exactly a manual for that. For any negative emotions for that matter. But as an adult, I can only blame my parents for so much in my life.
At some point, I have to take responsibility for my actions - this includes what I do with my anger.
The playlist, Recovery, works when I feel I am at the edge of myself. When I feel I have been pushed so far from my core that I need a way to reel my soul back into my body. It’s often traumatic for me, yet, you would never realize it’s happening if you watch me.
I live in my head, most people think. Unless you watch closely and realize that I don’t. My heart is in my eyes.
Music has always been a huge part of my life. I may have ignored it for a while, but as my personal pain grows, music plays a wonderful tune of therapy for my heart.
When I turned 30 a few months ago, I made a huge playlist of songs I had loved across the years. The interesting thing about these songs is that each one brings a specific memory or person. I started the Turning 30 playlist from a template playlist aptly titled “Time Travel”. As the name implies, the goal of the playlist was to allow me to go back in time.
Let me show you.
2005 - I was applying to get into St. Bede’s College Ashing Kom. My cousin, Tina, had gifted my a CD-Walkman. We had a computer at home and I don’t know how I came across Linkin Park, but Minutes to Midnight and Meteora were my anthem for the next two years.
Between 2007-2009, I had just moved to my own room - for the first time ever! College was a thing. I was FREE. Then I found this music store run by a guy called Spaunder ( he’s now in Dubai, I think). Spaunder had everything. Everything was bootlegged and affordable. So was the Mp3 that opened my mind to Avril Lavigne, Vanessa Carlton ( and also made me HATE Enya).
2010 -2012: my Rock phase : Chevelle, Bullet For My Valentine, Breaking Benjamin.
Then my Heavy Metal Phase.
I could go on, but you get the point, no?
Music, as much as I have simply coasted around it, has influenced my life in a major way. This realization, very recently, has allowed me to ground myself when things go really, really bad.
My Recovery Playlist is like a reset button. The more I listen to it, the more I go back to where I was and decide if that’s who I want to be, or if I need to change something. It keeps me sane. The wave of emotions I have at any time settle and I can see the horizon.
I have to change something about my life right now. I don’t recognize myself.
The boy I was would be terrified and ashamed of the man I have become.
He would refuse to shake his hand for fear of his cowardice rubbing off him.
Why, you ask?
Well, I can’t tell you that now. I may or may not. But I can tell you that when you live a life without a strong personal vision, you easily sway so far off the mark that you’re essentially lost at sea.
Always find way to check in with yourself before it’s too late.
In all, I still believe that once there’s life, there’s hope. It’s our duty to live the lives we’ve been gifted in terms that match who we are - at core. Not knowing who you are has a huge price - it could even mean spiritual death before physical death.
A walking corpse.
My biggest fear is living someone else’s life and recently, I’ve found out that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
Do you want to know what’s bittersweet about all this? I got myself here.
There is no one else to blame except me. Which means the only person - human - who can change this, for real, is also me.
Shuffle.
I am not sharing anything I made this week. Mostly because the podcast is full of swear words and my raw emotions. Of course, you can find it if you want to. I just won’t make it easy for you. hehe
Tomorrow, a video will be going public on my YouTube Channel too.
Also, I recorded a video with the responses from my last email.
Elodie, Amos, Tatiana, thank you. :) The video will be ready next Tuesday.
I’m going through a lot right now. The emotions won’t allow me to calm down enough to speak to anyone one on one. They are heavy emotions.
Dark emotions.
And honestly, if you try to reply to this to tell me that I’ll be okay, you might actually piss me off.
What can you do?
Tell me what grounds you when you have terrible emotions. Tell me what you do when you feel like you’re lost. Tell me your story. I don’t need to be fixed. Just to be heard.
Now, don’t bullshit me. I’ve bullshitted myself for some time now and I will catch you!
lol
I know you care. I really do. But I have crossed the threshold of pretending I’m someone I’m not and I’m writing my way back to sanity.
Guess what? I’m fucking loving it.
I have a completely different relationship with music which is not what you'd expect considering I'm a musician (sort of). You just gave me a blog idea. 🤔 Also, You HATE Enya? May It Be is kne of my all time favorite songs EVA!! We're officially not cool anymore... smh.. lol
I’m from a different era, but when I was driving a Volvo station wagon with no air conditioning in summer, the album that saved me was The Best of Joe Sample. Listen to “Chain Reaction” it was my go to when I was owlie.