Photo by peacemakers on Unsplash
Some Days Get Really Dark — A Darkness Beckoning The Lies Our Bodies Can’t Handle Any Longer
Those Are The Days When Truth About Our Feelings Come Out
I’ve been walking in a cloud for the past week — a dark cloud. Even my supervisor at work felt it when he asked if I was okay. He’s a really nice guy and I feel honored to work with him as well as the many happy people who show up each day to serve hundreds of people with their cosmetics products.
My cloud, I thought, came because of the fact that I might be a little more sensitive to the lack of sun than I thought. You know I wasn’t raised in the winter and although the dry season was harsh ( the harmattan cold can be scary), I never imagined that I would miss the sun to the point where I would feel my whole mood shift like this.
I love the cold of winter. I really do. I love how white things get and walking in the snow, seeing my footsteps. I haven’t tried making any snow angels (yet) because snow can be really dirty ( who knew!). But something has been going on recently that I never realized someone like me would be affected by.
I feel unhappy. Dark and morose. I feel like I am a robot, going through the motions of my job and school. I find little joy in the things I used to — instead, I use them now to drown my real feelings of powerlessness.
I noticed how much it hit me today when it started to snow towards evening and I got very excited. I was silently praying it would be heavy snow — scary to drive in — but white enough that it would be a beautiful white sky like it always is when it snows here in Pueblo.
Guess what? The snow stopped halfway and became a dark fog barely hanging over the roads. The brown grass became even rustier, and my heart sank. I went to Facebook and wrote about seasonal depression; about how it wasn’t a joke.
Photo by Jonathan Knepper on Unsplash
I am very sensitive to emotions around me and even if I can’t put my finger on exactly how someone is feeling, I can feel when they’re “off”.
It’s worse when that feeling emanates from within me.
Normally, I can watch a few videos, talk to friends around the world, make some jokes and really just boost myself back into a good mood. Sometimes, I just need to sit quietly for a few hours alone and I would be back to myself — not too chipper, but not too dark either.
Today was different; it had to do with the weather, but it wasn’t only about the weather.
Today is a dark day.
When I started blogging in 2012, dark days often came after a heartbreak or a similarly difficult period. My emotions would go through a roller coaster where I would feel empowered by the pain of it all: I would write a lot — A LOT — poetry, fiction, non-fiction. I would go out and drink ( mostly just to be with my friends). Then when I would think that I have finally gotten over whatever it was that I was pained by, it would hit me.
Hard.
Dark days start like every other day. But then, like a movie strip, everything slows down and rewinds: I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone. I just want to be alone and mop. I won’t eat. I won’t pick up my calls, I would sit and go deep into my mind and hug the pain.
I could never escape dark days and I always saw what triggered them.
This time, however, I wish it was the weather. And I really want to think it’s the weather.
My sensitive nature won’t let me accept that lie.
Dear friend, I am not happy. I don’t feel like I am doing what God sent me to do. I feel distracted. I feel like I am doing all the chores that need to be done but not what I need to be putting my heart into.