I’ve lost my writing voice. No, I don’t say this to garner pity. It’s a feeling I have that when I put my hands to the keyboard, the words don’t come from a place of truth.
It’s mostly dark. Of course, it’s because I have been in a dark place and when you write from a place of darkness, the reader can feel the energy and instinctively runs from it.
So, I don’t blame you either.
I feel like a pinball bouncing across my day, gaining useless points, only to get hit back to another series of pointless activities and finally slipping away to start the day over again.
It’s not fun and it has to end.
Because if it doesn’t, I see a picture of me taking the kinds of drastic measures no one ever really gains from.
So, I thought I will start with you reading this. I will start with clearing some of that fog with you—without the pressure of making money on Medium or getting into publications or having claps on my stories.
It’s past midnight, I’m alone at home and my wife started night shift for her OB Rotation. I have to tell her about the decision I made. I feel both scared and excited about it.
This decision is going to clear a lot of my darkness. I really can’t tell you yet what it is—I must tell her first.
I think she already knows it, but I want to look her in the face when I do.
For some reason, after all the fights we’ve had in our lives, I feel there’s a higher sense of honesty when I look her in the face and tell her something I know she will not like.
It’s very uncomfortable at the moment and I always end up being pretty upset—but she always admires my honesty.
It’s this honesty I feel lacking in my life. I am running away from what I must do and doing all the things I think I’m supposed to.
But my dear friend, last week was very hard for me. I have written some notes from that period and feel even afraid to share it with you. But I will and I must.
I know I’m not the only one who goes through these things. I’m not the only one who goes for days wondering why they exist and if they should.
As you can feel from this, there’s some hope in my coming days. There’s fear too.
But mostly, there are unfinished stories that I will be sharing with you more. I feel that this informal pace is what I need to pull that honesty back in.
I have faith that you would understand better as you’ve been with me for a while.
I will tell you about the dark week. I will tell you about what brought me out. I will tell you about the decision I am taking ( once I face my wife) and also, what steps I will be taking to be more honest.
The only hint I can give you now is this: I am called to create and tell stories. Anything else drains me radically and when I am working hard on telling stories, I can work for months on end no matter how small my progress is.
I don’t know where you are on your journey. I bet you’re still in the middle. I wish you long life, energy, love and most importantly, the courage to stay true to your heart.
I believe God gave us gifts we must utilize, and it’s my personal theory that when we don’t, we get tortured both here on earth and when we leave.
I pray you live your truth here.
If you’d like to read something I wrote recently, here’s an article on Medium. Please, kindly open the link on your PC so that you can read the full article and also clap as the link is a friend link that allows you to read for free.
I don’t know if you’ve watched my most recent video either. In it, I talk about the book I’m working on.