We're Getting a Divorce.

Also, this is the last newsletter on this substack email list.

Five words that have grabbed your attention. Five words that would make you think about what the hell happened and if we’re okay.

We are getting a divorce.

We’ve been separated since October 2020. This is the first time I am writing about it “publicly”. I didn’t feel the need to do so. I’m not an influencer or a celebrity.

I write to think.

Processing the end of my marriage continues to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to deal with. I haven’t written a single poem in months. I still find it hard to be creative and work on my business. Even replying to comments becomes hard some days. I just got 4000 subscribers on my YouTube and I felt guilty for not being able to keep the unwritten promise of being a creator.

When I think of all the articles, videos, and content I made about relationships, I feel like a hypocrite. Like a loser. I know I’m not. But the feeling doesn’t care about my logic.

So, no. I’m not okay.

I don’t even know what I need. Except that I can’t allow myself to drown or lose faith.

It’s been a tough couple of months. My family, as well as a few close friends, have been super supportive. I’m still going through it.

This is not the article where I write what I learned. I have a lot of feelings that I’d rather convert because they may cause more hurt than help.

So, yeah, I spent my 31st birthday in February on my own. The final divorce decree should arrive by the end of this month—May.

There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life. For a while, I was sure I’d be on a plane heading back to Cameroon.

A lot has happened. I have written some stuff the world isn’t ready for; I am having people I trust to read it and help me understand what lies below the surface of my words. Strange times for me to be alone in a country I never expected to be alone in.

There’s a lot of fear. There’s so much I wasn’t prepared for and didn’t expect.

Also, there’s a lot of learning about myself and who I was as a husband. My flaws, my weaknesses. Things I took for granted. Things I need to address if I ever want to be in a relationship again. I cannot let a good tragedy go to waste —you know me.

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I’m moving to a daily newsletter. I don’t like Substack. I don’t feel it. I love how clean it is, but as a newsletter service, I just don’t enjoy it. That’s it.

I prefer the clunkier Mailchimp. You’re probably already signed up there, so, don’t worry, it won’t take too long for us to be back together. Just click the link at the bottom and make sure to add your email—that’s if you want us to stay connected.

I’ve decided to start a daily newsletter because I need to get back to writing. I need to process my feelings through my words. I want this darkness to be removed one word at a time.

When I sit with my thoughts, I replay conversations and things get really sad, really fast.

I’m blessed, really. My family and the people who care about me have been there in a major way. Also, it shows that all the times I had failed in life and had to come back from the bottom strengthened me to be able to get back up again. I want to get a tattoo of a phoenix just for this reason.

I am not yet there. I still feel broken, betrayed, angry, and confused.

I can only speak for myself. I doubt I’ll be able to share all that happened with you because as much as things are ending with my soon-to-be-ex-wife, I don’t feel it’s my place to share a story that belongs to us both. We both cared about each other and the fact that it’s ending this way doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t real.

Maybe as time goes on I will find a way to articulate the frailty of relationships and the role we both played; how we both would have wanted this to work and how sometimes in life, things just don’t turn out well. C’est la vie.

Bottom line is, I’m now alone and I have to get back up. The support I get is mostly from far away and the day-to-day requires willpower and determination.

“I won’t be anyone’s victim.” I catch myself muttering this daily when I feel down. When I feel like there could have been an alternate outcome to things.

My daily newsletter would be my own baby steps towards growth and learning.

You’re reading about my divorce because you’re signed up to substack. It may take a few months before I talk about this again. Or a few weeks. I don’t know. I’m not in a hurry—I don’t want to be a slave to those thoughts either.

There’s a fine balance between thinking out loud and bringing one’s intentional reflections to another person. Not every thought comes ready to be heard.

I think through writing, and there’s a lot I have learned through this. There’s also a lot more to my life than being a thirtysomething divorced immigrant living in the US.

Sign up for my daily newsletter—let me take you along this journey.

Also, thank you for sticking here even as I never sent you any emails. You’re awesome. Let’s fix that.