“What will people say?”
Whenever I start typing on my keyboard, that question eventually pops up. I need to scoot it away and quiet the fears before I start writing anything.
It never goes away.
I think up until now, I have never really written my truth - my honest thoughts.
Parts of me fear what people would think about me. I may say it out loud that I don’t care; you may even say that with how much I have shared online, I probably am very comfortable with writing or saying things that you wouldn’t.
You couldn’t be further from the truth.
The reason why I cannot stop writing even after years of struggling to stay consistent and failing, is because writing is probably the only activity in my life that always gives me a sense of control. The ability to be able to press a key and have it appear on the screen, in the midst of life’s events, feels like a miracle to me.
It grounds me.
So, you can probably understand if I tell you that when I’m not able to write, my soul hurts. My mind grinds to halt and everything is fuzzy. This lack of power and overarching fear spreads through my mind and my body and almost always ends up affecting the people around me - the people I love.
Yet “what will people say” isn’t just about my fear of judgement, or my lack of clarity to share my thoughts well. It’s also this need for my writing to make sense to others, not just me.
I can write everyday. I have done it before. Usually, like showers, I don’t enjoy writing - I enjoy having started. The activation energy of my process demands that I jump start the process because I always enjoy when I’ve started.
Starting, though, is another story.
So, when I think I know what I want to write, and I end up writing about something else, I am usually elated by the discovery. Then, however, I wonder who else would find my rambled thoughts useful. Like what you’re reading today.
As I started figuring out the type of writing that got curated on Medium, I began to realize that the kind of writing I love, and the audience I want to build, require me to approach writing in a way that is unique to me. Yet, at 30, I still feel like I have only just begun.
But, enough with the confused thoughts though. Let’s get concrete.
We’ve been dealing with some medical conditions in the family. I can’t say more than that at this point. When the news just came, my whole identity was at stake. It’s not that it was hard - it was one of those instances where you can see who you were, and see who you have to become; like staring at a reflection and moving your hand.
Adapting to the news and moving forward, while taking tests, praying and adjusting to life has been incredibly challenging.
I’ve asked God for a direct message. I’ve questioned my faith. I’ve looked inside to find myself very wanting in many areas.
It’s gotten to the point that anyone who expresses any kind of pity for me now gets me mildly annoyed. I’ve become almost desensitized to shows of empathy and care. I can understand the verbiage and the intent - but I don’t feel it.
It’s very cold and quiet inside.
And trust me, that’s a good thing.
This is not a day’s job. Or a year’s job. Each day, I realize is a lifetime of lessons and growth, personal and global.
My fears of thoughts of others, my own values, my ambition, my family, my communication, my thoughts: my writing and contemplation brings these to mind daily and as I get older, the quiet realization that no other human can save me, seems quite liberating.
I’m lucky and blessed to have family - my wife, my parents, my siblings. I have friends who are doing their best ( I even went hiking a few days ago).
Overall, what I’m trying to say to you this Monday is this:
You never know how strong you are until when the only option you have is to be strong.
That’s really it.
Here’s some stuff I made:
I really liked this video. Others seem to enjoy too. There are others on the channel but I really think you should start with that one.
A story I wrote last year got featured on a Medium Publication. I made a video about that ( among other things) and there’s a friend link to the story in the description of the video. I called the video “The American Nightmare”.
I have one question for you though. How can I serve you best with my writing? Hit reply and let me know.
Written with Hans Zimmer in the background, on a blue planet in your solar system. I think.
Continuing a vocation that is not a career without withdrawing from the world